It's Not What You Have, It's Who You Leave Behind
by MizScarlet
Summary: Post COE. Jack returns, but not alone, and he turns to his daughter. MPreg, don't like don't read. Let's just politely agree to disgree. Nothing new, just a little editorial cleanup.
1. A New Life

**A/N: This takes place post-COE after Jack has left Earth for parts (and possibly times) unknown.**

**A New Life**

It was a cold, rainy day, and Alice couldn't think of anyone who would brave this weather to ring her doorbell. Since the death of her son, she had retreated into herself. Most people had stopped trying to get through to her by now. She was mostly left alone. Unfortunately, when she went to answer the door she was faced with the one person she absolutely wanted to leave her alone. There at her door, standing in the pouring rain, was her father, the infamous Captain Jack Harkness. Before she could slam the door in his face, he wedged his body into the opening. That was when she noticed the tiny bundle wrapped in his coat.

"What are you thinking?" she screamed at him. "Did you think you could bring me a replacement and I'd forgive you? They're children not puppies!" She couldn't contain her fury.

"That's not why I'm here," replied Jack seemingly confused by her anger. "He's not… I'm not… He's mine!" As Jack sputtered out a response, he held the infant closely and protectively against his chest. The baby had started to cry because of the shouting. Alice suddenly noticed that her father wasn't his usual self. He seemed uncomfortable and his coat was wrapped around him in a way that seemed to try to hide his body. This definitely wasn't like the Jack Harkness she knew. As Jack struggled to comfort the baby while keeping them both covered in the wind and the rain, Alice caught a glimpse of his shirt and two damp spots that had appeared in response to the baby's cries. Jack, realizing what she had seen, drew his coat around him even tighter and said "I'm taking something to stop that."

"Oh my God!" Alice exclaimed. "You're not his father, you're his mother! How is that even possible? What are you? What have you done to yourself?"

"I haven't done anything to myself. I was born this way," Jack said defensively.

"You're a hermaphrodite?"

"That's an offensive term. I'm a male dominant, dual-gendered individual. There's nothing wrong with me. I know you're angry with me, but I didn't come here expecting you to forgive me. I know I don't deserve it, but I need your help. We need your help."

Alice's anger faded as she looked at her father and her little brother. Just thinking about the family relationships would take some getting used to. She had a feeling she knew what Jack was going to ask of her, and she could see how it was tearing him up inside. She decided to take pity on him. "Well don't just stand there. Give him to me and come inside. Neither of you should be out in this weather."

When they were inside and seated, Alice finally got a good look at the baby in her arms. He looked like he was only a few days old. He even had the stump of his umbilical cord still attached. She looked at her father and the way he was sitting somewhat gingerly. She couldn't help herself. "Shouldn't you have healed by now, or is that only for life-threatening injuries?"

"Normally I would have healed by now, even from something minor. My body seems to be confused by the changes. It's not sure what's normal for me anymore. It'll sort itself out soon. I've gone through this before, just not while immortal."

Alice wasn't sure if she was surprised by that admission or not. This was all a bit much to take in. Without thinking, Alice held the baby against her shoulder and put her cheek against the top of his head. She breathed in the scent of newborn baby, that wonderful smell that made you want to hold them like this forever. The smell that made you fall in love with that tiny little person in your arms. "So who's his father?" She stopped herself. "Well there's a question I never thought I'd have to ask you."

Alice watched as a look of immense grief took over her father's features. "His name was Ianto Jones. He was killed by the 456. After everything was over, I just couldn't let him go. I took a sample from his body and I used it to… I know I shouldn't have done it. I had no right, but I just needed some way to hold on to him." There were tears in Jack's eyes as he said this.

"You must have really loved him," Alice said as she reached out to comfort her father.

"More than anything, and I never told him. Even when he was dying in my arms, I couldn't say it. He never knew how I felt, not really. I tried so hard to deny what was developing between us just so I wouldn't get hurt. It didn't work. All I did was hurt him and waste what little time we had together."

Alice was beginning to understand the changes she'd seen in her father. Her father had lost his hope and faith that day. He had completely given up until he had seen her faith in his ability to save the day, but it had almost been too late to help. If she had let him take Steven when he came to her house at the beginning of the whole mess, would he have had time to find a way to defeat the 456 without sacrificing anyone? Had her distrust of her own father actually led to her son's death? Alice needed to distract herself from these painful thoughts.

"So, you want me to take the baby, don't you?" For the first time in a long time she looked her father straight in the eyes. She could see the pain there, and she didn't take any pleasure in it. She knew how it felt to lose your baby.

"Yes," Jack said in almost a whisper. It was obvious how hard this was for him. "I can't take care of him. You were right, I'm dangerous. He isn't safe with me. You're the only one I trust to raise him and protect him, even from me."

Alice looked at the baby who had fallen asleep in her arms. He was her little brother, but they didn't have the same father or mother. Life with Jack was always so complicated, but one thing was simple. "So what am I supposed to call him?"

Jack looked up in surprise. "You mean you'll take him?"

"Of course I will. He's family. Besides someone has to tell him about his brave nephew who died to save all the other children on Earth. No one can do that better than me. But he needs a name."

"I guess that's up to you. He's yours now." Once again Jack looked defeated. This was what he wanted, but it hurt nevertheless.

Alice knew there was more to this than her father was saying, and she was determined to get some answers. But first she needed to start mending some bridges. She looked down at her baby brother's face. "I guess the only proper thing to do is name him after his father, then. Ianto Harkness-Jones, welcome to the family."

Jack looked shocked, but there was actually a hint of a smile on his face. Alice was sure it had been a very long time since her father had last smiled. "It'll be your responsibility to tell him about his father, Dad."

"You mean you'll let me see him?" There was surprise and hope on Jack's face. It was obvious he thought he would be giving up his son forever.

"Of course I'll let you see him, you're his mother. I can't believe I just said that. You better make yourself comfortable, Dad. We deserve some honest answers from you, and it's about time you stopped hiding everything about your past."

Jack settled himself on his daughter's sofa. Fear and happiness were doing battle on his face. He hadn't lost everything like he thought he would, but he still might after Alice got her answers. No matter, he was too tired to hide anymore. Maybe it was time to get everything out in the open.

**Up next****: Jack's sordid past. What will Alice think about everything her father's gone through? Will it change how she sees him?**


	2. Never Doing That Again

**A/N: Takes place immediately after the previous chapter. Thanks to everyone for the reviews and story alerts.**

**Never Doing That Again**

Alice Carter looked at her father. She knew he was particularly vulnerable right now, and it was probably her only chance to get him to talk about his past. She desperately wanted to understand him and how he became the man she knew. "First things first, Dad, you said you've been through this before. I want to know about the other baby, and I want the whole story. Start at the beginning and tell me what happened."

Jack took a deep breath and steadied himself. This was a part of his life he had tried to forget. "I was 16 years old when I ran away from home and joined the military with my best friend. We lied about our age, not that anyone cared. There was a war going on and they needed warm bodies. It didn't matter where those bodies came from. I told my friend we were doing it for the adventure, but that was a lie. The beings we were fighting were the worst kind of monsters you could imagine. They didn't just kill people when they invaded; they took prisoners and tortured them just for the fun of it."

"I wasn't being virtuous. I had my own reasons for wanting to fight them. A few years earlier, these monsters had invaded my home. There was no reason for it. We had nothing anyone would want. Many people died that day; the less fortunate were captured and never seen again. We knew what would happen when the invasion started, but we had no way to protect ourselves. I was out with my father and brother when it happened. Mom was at home."

"Dad told me to take Gray and run. I was supposed to take care of him while Dad went to get Mom. I don't know how it happened, but somehow I let go of Gray's hand while we were running. One moment he was with me, the next he was gone. I ran back to look for him, but I never found him. He wasn't among the dead. When I got home I saw Dad's body. I had to tell my mother, as she cried over my father, that I had lost my little brother. I don't think she ever forgave me. I ran away so she wouldn't have to see me anymore. I joined the military to fight the monsters that tore my family apart and to find my brother. I'm telling you all this so you will understand why I was so desperate to stay."

Alice was shocked. She had no idea something so traumatic had happened to her father when he was so young. There was one thing that bothered her, though. "You really believe that your mother blamed you for the aliens taking your brother?"

"Of course." Jack seemed confused by the question. "It was my fault. I was supposed to take care of him and I let go. How could she not blame me?"

"So, she never actually said she blamed you, did she?"

"She wouldn't, she's my mother."

"Exactly, that's why I'm positive she didn't blame you. You were just a child yourself. If she blamed anyone, it was your father. He never should have left you. Even if he was sure your mother would die or be captured if he didn't go to her, he should have stayed with you. Instead, your father left a child to protect himself and an even younger child from an enemy he felt a grown woman stood no chance against."

Jack was angry. "My father was a good man! He loved us; he didn't abandon us. He thought Mom needed him. If I hadn't let go, we would have made it to a safe hiding spot together."

"Maybe, or maybe you both would have been taken. How do you think your mother would have felt if she had lost both of her children that day? I'm not saying your father was a bad person, but he made a mistake. If he had asked your mother what to do, she would have told him to forget about her and to keep you and your brother safe. Mothers are supposed to sacrifice themselves for their children, not the other way around. I'm sure he loved your mother very much, but I'm also sure that what he did wasn't what she wanted. If he had lived, she probably would never have forgiven him."

Jack was silent for a moment. He wasn't sure he really believed that. Alice wasn't the first person to tell him it wasn't his fault, but he just couldn't accept that. He didn't really want to think about it anymore. "It doesn't matter, anyway. That was a long time ago, at least for me. Even if Mom didn't blame me, I blamed myself. I needed to find Gray, and I didn't know how else to do it. Unfortunately, a very important general took a liking to me. It was either give him what he wanted or be sent home for being underage. They probably could have put me in prison for lying about my age. I just did what I had to do until the day it all fell apart."

"My best friend and I were out on patrol when we were captured by the enemy. They tortured him and when they had gotten all the information out of him, they killed him. They made me watch. Then they left me in the middle of nowhere with no provisions to either die or somehow find my way back to my unit. I did manage to do that, but I was in pretty bad shape. I was being treated by the medics when they discovered I was pregnant. I was too far along for them to end it and, when they realized who the father most likely was, I was shipped off to a secure medical facility."

Alice was horrified. "So they knew what he was doing to you and they did nothing to stop it? Then they had the nerve to punish you for it?"

Jack was more pragmatic than Alice. "The general was very important for the war effort. He was vile, but he got results. I was nobody. I didn't matter except when I had indisputable evidence growing inside me. They couldn't let his reputation be tarnished. At the very least he might have been sent home. He could have faced court martial for what he did if I could prove it. He wouldn't have done anyone any good in prison. So I was given a choice, stay in the medical facility until the baby was born and let them find it a good home, or refuse to cooperate and my baby wouldn't survive its birth. I was young and already pretty sick after what I had just gone through to get back to base. No one would believe the death was anything but natural."

"I was incredibly sick the whole time. I would have had to be in a hospital anyway. I was on strict bed rest the last couple of months. When they baby was finally born, they just took it away. I don't even know if I had boy or a girl. As soon as I had recovered enough, they sent me home. I kept my mouth shut like a good little soldier, and all my mother knew was that I had joined the military and had been injured in the line of duty. A couple of years later, I joined the Time Agency and the rest is history. Or not, since none of it has actually happened yet."

Alice didn't know what to say. There was so much she didn't know about her father. He seemed so calm about the abuse he had suffered, as if it was just something that had to happen. Such tragedy in his life, and they hadn't even gotten past his teen years yet. She understood why he preferred not to talk about it, but she really needed to understand who he was and how he got to be that person if she was ever to completely forgive him. Unfortunately, she sensed that this was just the tip of the iceberg. She didn't like that she was obviously taking advantage of her father's vulnerable state and his need for her help, but she wasn't going to let that stop her.

**Next up****: "Did you ever find your brother?" Alice opens up a whole other can of worms.**


	3. Pain and Punishment

**Pain and Punishment**

Alice took a few moments to change and feed little Ianto with the things Jack had brought before handing Jack the baby and continuing with her questions. She had a feeling he would need the comfort this would give him as she probed further into his obviously painful history. She took a deep breath before asking "Did you ever find your brother?" The look on her father's face almost made her regret it.

Jack silently cradled the baby for a few minutes before he answered. "I didn't, but a friend of mine did. The monsters who had taken him were long gone. They had left him alone with the remains of those they had already killed. He would have died if John hadn't found him. It may have been better if he had."

"I don't know how John managed to find him or why he was even looking. Maybe he actually meant it when he said he loved me, maybe he was just tired of hearing me go on about Gray, or maybe he just wanted something from me. John is not what you would call an altruistic person. If he had run across anyone else in this situation, he would have ignored him and gone on his way. If he happened to be in a good mood, he might have shot the person in the head just to end it quickly. Instead he freed Gray and took him away from there. Then he told Gray about me."

"Gray was very young when he was taken. We were pretty far apart in age. By the time John found him, he was grown. The physical scars he had, which were horrific, were nothing compared to the psychological ones. But John didn't realize just how badly damaged Gray was until he fused a bomb to John's arm and threatened to blow him up if he didn't help him get revenge on me."

Alice couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Revenge? For what? You weren't to blame for what happened to him, the people who took him were."

"That's not how I see it, and it's not how he saw it either. All he knew was that I left him behind and I never came to his rescue."

"But John rescued him because of you," Alice interjected. "He wouldn't have even been looking for Gray if it hadn't been for you."

"That wasn't enough. I should have been there sooner. Gray suffered so much at the hands of the ones who took him; he wanted me to suffer as much as he had."

"What did he do?" asked Alice.

"First he had John lure my team and me to a building peppered with bombs and then detonate them. Then John grabbed me and teleported me away. Gray then proceeded to blow up Cardiff, nearly cause a meltdown in the nuclear reactor there, agitate all the weevils so that they were roaming the streets, and kill two of my friends. I'm just glad he never found out about you."

Alice swallowed hard then asked "What did he do to you?"

"He had John take me to the past, before the city was built. That's where he literally stabbed me in the back and had John bury me alive."

"What? Did he know about…?"

"He knew I couldn't die. John had told him."

"So he wanted you to suffocate and die over and over again indefinitely? Didn't you try to fight it?"

"No, it was my punishment for leaving him behind. I deserved it. I didn't care what he did to me, it's what he did to the city and my team that I cared about. All I could do was wait for someone to dig me up and hope it was in time to help them."

"How long were you buried before someone found you?"

"I lost track of time, but I think it was around eighteen hundred years, give or take."

"Eighteen _hundred_ years? How did you manage to not go insane?"

"I just knew I had to hang on. My team, my friends, needed me. I had to get back to them. As it was, I was dug up too soon. I had to spend another hundred years frozen just so I wouldn't run into myself. Bad things would have happened, quite possibly end of the world type of bad things. A timer was set to wake me up at the right time, but I couldn't risk making it too soon or I would run into myself from before I was taken to the past. I was too late, though. Owen had already died keeping the power plant from destroying the city, and Tosh died in my arms. Gray had shot her to keep her from helping Owen."

Alice closed her eyes and was silent for a moment. "What happened to Gray?"

"I tried to talk to him. I told him I forgave him and all I wanted was for him to forgive me, but he wouldn't."

Alice was astounded. "How could you forgive him after everything he'd done?"

"It wasn't his fault. He grew up knowing only pain, fear, hate, and anger. He was broken, and I didn't know how to fix him."

"Did you kill him?"

"Of course not, he's my brother!" Alice gave Jack a pointed look and Jack looked ashamed. "I'm sorry; it was a very different situation. Once I had him contained, he couldn't hurt anyone else."

"So what did you do?"

"I drugged him and put him in a cryo-chamber. I didn't know what else to do with him. He was a danger to everyone around me. I suppose none of this really matters anymore, now that the Hub is gone."

Alice thought for a while. "Is there any chance he survived the blast?"

"I suppose if the chamber stayed intact he would have. There's no way to tell, though, without digging it up. Why? What's the point? Either he's dead or still frozen. It doesn't make a difference. I was never going to wake him up, he was too dangerous."

"Maybe he could have been helped, you know, by a professional."

"He was taken and tortured by aliens on another planet in another century. What psychiatrist on Earth could possibly help him?"

"Not one in this century, but maybe one in yours. You said these aliens captured and tortured lots of people. There must have been other survivors. Someone would have had to come up with some way of dealing with them. If he's still alive, he needs to be in a hospital. Freezing him indefinitely isn't a solution. Don't you know someone you can ask to take him back home? Would John do it?"

"Even if he agreed, I wouldn't trust him to. More likely John would just shoot him as soon as they were away from here. I suppose I could ask the Doctor, if I managed to get in contact with him."

"Find Gray. If he's still alive, try to contact the Doctor. You said you forgave him; prove it by giving him a chance at having some kind of life. You owe it to yourself. You'll never get past this, otherwise."

"I didn't think you still cared what I needed."

"I may not have forgiven you, but I still love you. Forgiving is just going to take some time. Maybe I just need to know how you could have done it, how you could sacrifice your own grandchild. Maybe being buried alive did drive you insane."

"I wish I could blame it on that, but no, I knew what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt Steven, but I couldn't let millions of other children and their parents suffer either. Living as long as I do, I have no choice but to consider the bigger picture. Besides, being buried alive wasn't as bad as you might think. I knew what to expect, I knew what would happen. It was just the same thing over and over again. Real torture isn't so predictable. Not knowing what's going to happen or when, that just makes the pain so much worse."

Alice didn't know what to say. How could there possibly be more? Did she know anything about this man that she called her father?

**Next up****: The year that never was. Alice finds out more than she ever wanted to know.**


	4. The Year That Never Was

**The Year That Never Was**

Alice looked at her father expectantly, as he cuddled baby Ianto close and tried to brace himself for the next part of his story. "Do you remember Harold Saxon?" Jack said softly.

"The Prime Minister who went insane and assassinated the American President?" asked Alice.

"Yes, but there was much more to him than that. He was actually an alien who called himself the Master. He was a Time Lord…"

"Like the Doctor?" Alice said with surprise.

"Exactly, except that where the Doctor helps and saves people, the Master uses them or destroys them. He really was insane, but he was also incredibly powerful. He created the Archangel network to control people's thoughts. The spheres he used to kill President Winters, the ones he called the Toclafane, were actually what was left of humanity at the end of the universe. He stole the Doctor's TARDIS and went back in time to Earth and created a history for himself. He got himself elected Prime Minister and turned the TARDIS into a Paradox Machine. That allowed humanity to be destroyed by its descendents, while he built missiles to start a war with the rest of the universe."

"How come I don't remember any of this? And where were you when it was happening?" Alice had a feeling she knew the answer to at least her second question.

"It took a year, but the Doctor was eventually able to defeat the Master. When the Paradox Machine was destroyed, time reset itself, it was as if that year had never happened. Only those of us on board the Valiant, those who were at the eye of the storm so to speak, remember that year. I was a prisoner on board the Valiant along with the Doctor and several others. Anyone who sided with the Doctor was an enemy."

"Did the Master know about you? Did he know you couldn't die?"

"Yes, Time Lords see things differently than the rest of us. They can look at something or someone and see all the possibilities of that moment. When they look at me, all they see is a fixed point. I shouldn't exist. The Doctor said I was 'wrong', but the Master called me a freak. I think he hated me as much for that as for my friendship with the Doctor."

"What did he do to you? You mentioned torture."

Jack gave a pained smile. "The Master kept me chained up, my arms over my head, somewhere in the bowels of the ship. I was fed just enough to keep me going. Starving me to death wasn't creative enough for him. He was impossibly cruel and enjoyed watching others suffer. He also was fascinated by what I could do. It was a horrible combination."

"At first, he just tested my limits. He wanted to see how long it took me to come back from various kinds of deaths. Then he tried to see if there was anything I couldn't come back from. I actually learned a lot about myself during that time. But he soon got bored, and it became less about seeing what could kill me and more about seeing just how much pain he could get me to endure before I finally died. That's when I started to look forward to dying. It was the only relief I got."

"I never knew when he'd come or what would set him off. All I knew was that as long as he was torturing me, he wasn't hurting anyone else. That was probably the only thing, other than my faith in the Doctor, which kept me going for that year. The Master was crazy and cruel, but he was also brilliant and creative. He was very good at what he did. Being buried alive was nothing compared to being skinned alive or having every inch of my body burned bit by bit just to prolong the agony. It turns out I can take quite a bit of pain before losing consciousness, and anything that doesn't kill me quickly can take a really long time to kill me as my body tries to heal itself as it's being destroyed."

"It wasn't just the physical torture, though. Twisting minds was his specialty. I can still see his grin and hear his laugh as he would tell me what atrocity he had just committed. He would make sure to tell me when someone I knew was taken. He would kill them in front of me, if they had survived capture. I had to watch them die knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it."

"So you knew what I would go through when you killed Stephen," Alice said grimly, "and you did it anyway."

"I didn't want to. I wish I could have spared you both. If there had been another way, if I had just had more time, I would have done anything other than that. Do think that's the first time I had to watch him die? The Master went after everyone I cared about; did you really think he spared you?" Jack was in tears, but his eyes still begged for forgiveness.

Alice found it hard to look at her father. Instead she asked him quietly, "Does it ever get any easier? After all these years, is it easier to lose your children, to watch them die?"

"No, it never gets easier, and it doesn't matter how old they are when they die. It still hurts, and I still hate myself for living after they're gone. But I don't have a choice. I can't change what I am, or I would have done it a long time ago. I try to be a good person; I try to make the right decisions, but sometimes there just aren't any. Maybe I am a monster, but I don't want to be."

Alice looked up at Jack. "You're not a monster. You're just willing to sacrifice everything to save the world. Unfortunately, that also means those of us who are closest to you. Dad, if I had let you take Stephen that first time you came for him, when you wanted to study how the aliens were speaking through him, would it have helped? Would you have found a way to stop them without hurting Stephen?" There were tears in Alice's eyes as well.

"I don't know. I really don't. It's possible that with the extra time and the resources of the Hub we could have come up with something before the government turned us into fugitives. At least I wouldn't have gone to the hospital when I did and fallen into the trap they set. Then they wouldn't have been able to kill me and plant a bomb in my stomach that would destroy the Hub. I _really_ didn't want to come back from that one. But they would have found another way to get at me, and it could have all turned out the same anyway. There's no way to know."

Alice tried to get the image of Jack coming back after being blown apart out of her head. It didn't really work. "I used to think nothing could hurt you", she said.

"I can't die, but there are plenty of things that hurt me. Some of them, the pain never really goes away; I just learn to live with it. I have no choice; it's all I can do. I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt either of you. I'd take it all back if I could. Maybe his life wasn't worth all of the others. I don't know what's right anymore." Jack was cuddling his son and sobbing now.

Alice put her arms around her father and comforted him. "It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I understand now. I can't see things the way you do, and I don't want to. I suppose I'm selfish, but one child's life in exchange for millions only sounds good if that child isn't yours. I would like to believe otherwise, but if it had been someone else's son who had to die to keep the aliens from taking Stephen, I probably would have told you to do it. I thought you were heartless, sacrificing your own grandchild to save all those nameless and faceless children. But it wasn't that you didn't care about Stephen, it was just that you valued all of those other children just as much. I can't do that, but it certainly doesn't make you a monster."

"Come on," Alice said as she pulled Jack to his feet. "We should wash up before we go."

Jack looked confused. "Go where?"

"We need to go shopping. I'm completely unprepared for a newborn baby. We need basic supplies and we have to set up a nursery. You're paying. Now come on. The rain's let up some. We better go before it starts coming down again."


End file.
